The RNC. We Care.

In the mail yesterday arrived a survey called the "Republican Party Census Document," (really, a fundraising pamphlet designed to make it look like the RNC cares what Republican voters think) ... and y'know, just sending it back (without a generous contribution) doesn't express my disgust at these people right now. So, as any reasonable evil right-winger would do, I decided to blog my answers. Yeah, that'll show 'em.

1. If Democrats try to gut the USA Patriot Act and other important laws that promote the safety and security of all Americans, should Republicans fight back?

Undecided. I've always felt the creepily-Orwellian-named "Patriot Act" was a mixed bag... while it contains some useful and needed tools for the fight against terrorists, it is also too easily open to abuse.

2. Should we stop Democrats from cutting funding for our intelligence agencies or bringing back Clinton-era restrictions on inter-agency communications?

Umm... YES. Do you need to even ask? What would happen in the odd circumstance that you didn't get a "yes" answer from most of the people in this so-called census... would you let the Democrats do whatever they wanted to the intelligence agencies without a fight? Why are you even asking me this? Do your goddamned jobs, Republicans!

3. Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attacks on America?

Yes. Air strikes, carpet-bombing, particle beam weapons, nuking the site from orbit, etc. In short, what should have been going on from day one of this so-called "War on Terror™." Treat it like it was a real war instead of an exercise in nation-building.

4. Should we do everything we can to stop democrats from repealing critical border and port security legislation?

I'd answer yes, but exactly what "critical border and port security legislation" did you actually pass when you were in power? The borders are less secure than they were when Bill Clinton was in office, our port security is a joke, and here you are trying to shift the focus to the Democrats. How about doing everything you can to actually pass some meaningful border and port security legislation? That would be a good start. Of course, why start now?

5. Should our homeland defense forces use profiling to protect our nation?

Yes, for gossake. We're not being attacked by seventy-year-old grandmothers, or seven-year-old children. Our enemy is almost invariable young, male, and Muslim. It is a sad sign of our politically-correct times that we can't even mention this fact. Paying extra attention to them is only logical. This doesn't mean we have to treat young Muslim males like lepers, but it only makes sense to give them a little extra scrutiny.

Economic Issues
1. Should we continue working to permanently repeal the inheritance or "Death Tax."

Yes. Better yet, pass the Fair Tax and you won't have to worry about it at all.

2. Should President Bush's successful income and capital gains tax cuts be made permanent?

Yes. Good luck with that, now that you've lost control of Congress due to your incompetence and arrogance.

3. Should Republicans renew the fight for a Balanced Budget Amendment?

"Renew?" When did you actually fight for it? For the entire duration of your control of Congress you spent money like drunken sailors, showing yourselves to be every bit as corrupt and greedy as the Democrats. Yet you want me to believe that you'd start fighting for a balanced budget now?

Hmm... how do I politely put this? Bullshit.

4. Should Republicans unite to keep our pro-growth achievements from the past six years intact by blocking new federal government bureaucracy and red tape?

Oh, why start now?

5. Should Republicans in Congress oppose the new wasteful government spending programs proposed by the Democrats and their new leaders, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid?

I'd be more impressed if you hadn't spent the last six years passing your own wasteful government spending programs. Now that you've lost control of Congress you expect me to believe that you've suddenly become fiscal conservatives? SPARE ME. Go ahead, oppose Pelosi and Reid, but don't try to convince me that there's any motive behind it other than power and control of governmental purse strings. If you get power back you'll quickly revert to your old ways, just as the Democrats did.

Domestic Issues 1. Do you agree that we must stop illegal immigration?

Yes. yes, yes, a thousand times YES. The problem, though, is that I don't believe for a nanosecond that you actually want to stop illegal immigration. The amnesty bill you almost passed (with the help of the Democrats) put the lie to that. We in your base had to fight like rabid wolverines to get you to back down on that abortion of a bill, and even with its defeat I'm not sure you got the point. You've paid lip service to the issue but made little meaningful effort to stopping illegal immigration or enforcing current immigration laws.

Secure the borders and I'd be perfectly willing to discuss amnesty for the illegal aliens already here, or a guest worker program. Until you show me proof that you're capable of taking the issue seriously, shove it.

2. Should we continue working for serious tort reform to protect individuals and small businesses from predatory lawsuits?

"Continue?" You might sense a trend in my questioning of why it took a political defeat after six years in power to get you to look at this issue. Anyway, how about instituting a "loser pays" system like so many other countries have? It's never going to happen, of course... you Republicans are too wishy-washy on the issue and the Democrats would never stand for it, a tricky problem since you lost power to them due to your own idiocy.

3. Should we make sure President Bush's judicial nominees receive fair hearings and up or down votes in the Senate even when Democrats threaten a filibuster.

Yes.

4. Should Republicans in Congress protect America's private property rights from eminent domain?

How dare you even ask this. YES. Do your jobs. You shouldn't need a "census" to tell you where to stand on the subject.

Social Issues
1. Do you think Congress should pass the Federal Marriage Amendment?

No. Don't screw around with the Constitution on such a trivial issue.

2. Do you want us to defend the recently-passes partial birth abortion ban from attacks by the Democrat majority?

Yes. Although I'm generally apathetic about abortion as an issue (and loathe both fanatical sides), partial birth abortion is a sickening procedure and should be banned.

3. Do you support President Bush's initiative to allow private religious and charitable groups to do more to help those in need?

Well, when you put it that way, yes. What, am I supposed to say no?

Defense Issues
1. Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations commanders?

No. On the other hand, it would serve as a sort of "get out of jail free" card, since the left doesn't show the slightest caring about crimes committed by U.N. "Peacekeepers." Let a U.S. soldier point sneeringly at a prisoner's wee-wee and it's a scandal worth literally months of solid new coverage and outraged cries of Democrats, but let U.N. Peacekeepers rape kids and the press and the Dems yawn.

2. Do you agree that our top military priority should be fighting terrorists?

Yes. And any nation that harbors or supports them.

3. Should we fight Democrat efforts to impose Clinton-era cuts in the pentagon's budget?

(extreme sarcasm)
Noooooooo. You should just let them cut the budget to the bare bones to pay for ridiculous social programs and pork spending.
(/extreme sarcasm)

Stop asking questions you should already know the answers to.

4. Should Republicans continue to support the State of Israel?

Yes. Partly because it's the only democracy in the Middle east, partly because they're the only ones serious about fighting terrorists (at least until recently), but mainly because it pisses antisemites and Islamofascist fanatics off. And anything they think is a bad idea deserves serious consideration.

5. Do you support economic sanctions against North Korea and Iran to stop their nuclear weapons programs?

As much as I'm thrilled with idea of psychotic fanatics armed with the most dangerous weapons known to man and threatening to start World war III every fifteen minutes, I'm gonna have to reluctantly say yes to this.

6. Do you agree that sowing the seeds of Democracy and freedom in the Middle east is a worth goal?

Worthy? Yes. Achievable? I'm not so sure.

Republican Party
1. Do you support the election of republican candidates across the country and the rebuilding of our majorities over the next ten years?

You have failed me for the last time, Admiral.

Undecided. I dutifully voted for you time and time again (less and less to keep you in power as much as to keep your opponents out of it), but you DESERVED your loss in 2006. You had grown arrogant, treated the money of taxpayers as it was your personal trust fund, made no meaningful efforts to secure the borders, and ignored the wishes of the people who put you in power. And rather than learning from your defeat, you continued to make the same mistakes even after you were the minority party. I will support individual Republicans on a case-by-case basis, but if the choice comes down to electing a Republican-in-name-only or a Democrat, I will either vote third party or leave the space blank.

How about doing something to actually earn power, and then get back to me.

2. Did you vote in the year blah blah blah?

Yes. Given the state of things, I'm more and more wondering why I bothered.

3. Will you join the Republican National Committee by making a contribution today?

No. No way in hell would I send you a dime after your own incompetence and greed put the Democrats back in power.

Conveniently, the census gives me other choices than sending a contribution...

• Yes, I support the RNC, but I am unable to participate at this time. However, I have enclosed $11 to cover the cost of tabulating my survey.

It costs you $11 to tabulate a frikkin' survey?!? And I wonder why Republicans can't seem to spend money efficiently any more than Democrats can... I could hire a minimum-wage schlub to tabulate the results for a hell of a lot cheaper than that. Of course, it's very likely that the envelope gets opened, the checks taken out, and the census forms are tossed in the trash untabulated. Considering the discontent in the Republican base and continued Republican idiocy, it's not like anyone at the RNC is actually paying attention.

That's not the best part of the census... the best part is the next bubble:

• No, I favor electing liberal Democrats over the next ten years.

Don't insult my intelligence. And don't try to blame us, tools, if you continue to lose. It will be due to your own failings, and not because I didn't cut you a check. It will be because you ignore the groundswell of support for REAL illegal immigration reform (an actual fence, crackdowns on those who hire illegals, etc.). It will be because Republicans spent the last six years gorging themselves on pork spending. It will be because you did little to oppose the Democrats when they weren't in power in Congress, and you continue to do nothing now that they are.

So... does that answer your questions?